Singles are paying $200 to hold each other in dark rooms. Can 'The Feels' fix dating?

LOS ANGELES − The group gathers in darkness, faintly lit by the glow of electric candles.

Some fidget with their hands. Some dart their eyes to and from the corners of the room. Some wander around the space, unsure which red-cushioned seat to take. The chairs are placed in pairs that form a circle around carpets in the center.

No, it's not a cult gathering. Nor is it a seance − though, on a chilly October night, a passerby peeking through the window might wonder. It's a singles mixer, one that employs various touch-based techniques aimed at getting participants to learn more about themselves, chip away at their defenses and, maybe just maybe, fall in love along the way.

Allie Hoffman − the mastermind behind this experience, called The Feels − breaks the nervous buzz in the air with a declaration to the group: that modern dating is, indeed, broken.

"It feels so hard out there, and we're really believing that it's our fault," Hoffman says in a presentation kicking off the mixer. "I don't believe that's true. I think there's some macro-level forces that are affecting us, that are creating what we're in right now. And I'm here to unwind a lot of that."

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Her plan? Get singles to engage in deep eye contact, spiritually-centered conversation and, with consent, touching. Lots and lots of touching.

It may seem strange to some, but to Hoffman, who has a masters in psychology with a focus in spirituality from Columbia University, there's a method to the madness. By nudging people out of their heads and into contact, she hopes to also nudge them past their limited beliefs and rules around dating. For some, it's worked; Hoffman says she's heard from people who've gotten engaged as a result of The Feels.

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"A lot of what we're trying to do is just drop into body," Hoffman says in an interview after the event. "There's incredible wisdom and information that's available in the body. A body knows, 'Is this person really present with me? Is this person seeing me? Do they feel energetically good?'"

'I feel seen'

Hoffman says The Feels was born from personal necessity: Tired of the typical singles events, she wanted to create a space where she could meet thoughtful people.

She threw the first iteration of The Feels in August 2022. Now, it's a nationwide business, with Hoffman hosting various versions in cities across the country. In Los Angeles on Oct. 22, she hosted The Feels Level 2 − an iteration offering more advanced touch exercises and a pre-survey screening participants on their inner work journey. The intention of the survey, Hoffman says, is to pair people with those of similar emotional intelligence and spiritual attunement.

The Level 2 event also costs more − around $200 per person. Level 1, another version, doesn't involve a survey or personalized matching and costs around $90-100.

At the beginning of Level 2 in Los Angeles, Hoffman lays out her culprits for the mess that is modern dating. Among them, she says: capitalism, which has encouraged people to bring a transactional attitude to dating; technology, which has eroded key interpersonal skills essential to forming lasting relationships; and pop culture, which has sold people on unrealistic expectations of romance.

The antidote, Hoffman says, is to guide people back into real, authentic connection with each other. Her ways of doing this involve eye contact and gentle, non-erotic, touch.

"It's an act of real rebellion to choose to be really present with another being," Hoffman says after the event. "I'm really interested in how we can map paths back to that."

Throughout the experience, Hoffman pairs singles multiple times with matches based on their survey results. The final pairing of the night, however, is a "wild card" − meaning people can match with anyone they please.

Each pairing kicks off with a discussion of a prompt − and these prompts aren't "What do you do?" or "Where are you from?" One asks: "Where in your life do you currently feel like you're 'in the depths' − and why there?" Another: "What's something you're grateful to have learned from your parents − and what's something you've had to un-learn from your parents?"

An exercise follows each discussion. In one, pairs gaze into each other's eyes for minutes on end. In another, they "finger trace" each other, which involves gently gliding their fingers over the other's body. They also hold each other in long embraces. Each exercise involving touch gets preceded by a quick talk about consent between each pair.

During the hug, some pairs stand. Some sit on chairs. Others go to the floor. At the end of the night, each person shares a few words about their experience.

"I feel seen," one says. "At ease in my body," says another. "Warmly renewed," says another.

That all sounds great. But did anyone fall in love?

'I'm showing up. I'm here.'

Los Angeles, Hoffman says, is an interesting market for The Feels. On the one hand, the city has plenty of people deeply invested in the psychospiritual. On the other, it also has one of the most notoriously image-driven dating scenes in the country.

Eric Friedlander, a 40-year-old startup founder, says he's had a hard time dating in the city − and he's not alone. Nearly everyone he knows, he says, feels burned out on dating apps, on top of the fast speed of life in Los Angeles.

Mindfulness practices and therapy, he says, have been key for his wellbeing, and it's important to him to date someone who feels the same. That's why he came to The Feels.

"Everyone here's showing up," he says. "I go to restaurants. I go to events with people. It's hard to find people who are like, 'I'm showing up. I'm here. I want to engage.'"

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Friedlander says he met some people at The Feels whom he hopes to follow up with for dates. He doesn't know what will ultimately come of those connections, but, no matter what, he says the experience was valuable in and of itself.

For Hoffman, trying to find love at The Feels almost misses the point. If you meet your person there, she thinks that's great − some have. But the real gain, she says, is vulnerability and openness. That way, when you do meet the one, you'll be ready to make a deep, meaningful connection with them.

"For me, the dream is people take it off the mat and into the world. That they ask deeper, open questions. That they stop and be like, 'I just want to positively reflect you.' They stop and say, 'Hey, can we just hold a hug a little bit longer?' " she says. "It's not about meet the love of your life. It's about learn new tools."

And maybe, with those tools, modern dating can start to rebuild − one long hug at a time.